For the past two years I have been dealing with my father being diagnosed with Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (best way to learn about this illness is to read about it online). When my dad was diagnosed with this illness I was angry. I was angry with him for developing this disease. I was angry because we had just started to have an awesome relationship and things between us were finally good. I was angry because why is life so unfair, my parents just retired and wanted to enjoy this time.
Two years into the illness and it has been an emotional roller coaster. A lot of healing within myself has happened. Life has in some ways become clearer and in other ways foggy. I have questioned my faith, my direction in life and made some major life changes.
I have now relocated to be closer to my family. I left a place I have called home for the past 13 years so I can be closer to my family. I have taken the leap of faith hoping that finally my business will blossom.
All through this process, of two years, I have cried many tears and I’m truly surprised I still have tears to cry. I also put my business on the side burner and did a lot of self-work, as this is needed. I cannot work on someone when I’m the one needing to be worked on. Now I am ready to dive back into my passion and do the work with people.
This experience has brought me extremely closer to my family. I have watched a man I always saw as the toughest man I know, become weak and unable to do the things he once loved to do, and the basic things, we, in life take for granted every day. I have learned that we need to cherish every moment in life we have, as we don’t know what tomorrow will hold. I have seen the strength in my mother that I truly admire. Her faith keeps her going and strong. Taking one day at a time, and always doing everything for everyone. I’ve learned from her that self-care is important. She gives herself time in the morning to do her meditations and prayers. She also reinforces in me that one should not sit and dwell on things but to go out and let it go. Find peace in your every day work.
I have watched angels stand beside my dad, and had conversations with him about the angels that are close to him. When I first started doing my work and spending money on all these courses, my dad always told me I should find something stable and reliable, now he is encouraging me to keep running forward, because he now knows that what I do really helps. He even gave his blessing for me to give up my unionized stable job to walk into the unknown.
These past three months, I have thought myself to change my inner dialogue to be more positive. I have thought myself to smile even in times when I want to cry. I have begged my mom to slow down and enjoy the quality time. I have enjoyed the little moments that I have with my dad: the jokes, the hand-holding, the hugs, and the father daughter dance I was able to have at my brother’s wedding. I have seen my dad fall to the floor unable to get up, and while my mom and I struggle to get him up, often times having to get a neighbor or my Uncle to come help. I have been on the edge of my seat waiting for something to happen but still wanting to give my dad the freedom to walk around the house without having two hens pecking at him to sit down and constantly asking him what he is doing. I have even been humbled enough to assist my dad in the bathroom… it was harder for him to ask for help than for me to give the help.
I don’t know how much time I have left with him, and I’m grateful for everyday I do have with him. I am hearing his words of advice that he ever so often gives me,”Be happy. Everything will be ok. Enjoy life”.
Though our relationship was turbulent at times. I have come to accept that my father did what he thought was best at the time. It was his journey and unfortunately children do not come with a manual so he had to make decisions based on what he thought was right at the time. I know my father wished he was there for me more when I needed him, he just didn’t know how to be. Now, I am here for him, in a way I know how to be, and he is finally accepting me for who I truly am…. That is a gift. It seems that from finally realizing that, it has given me more self-confidence to go forward in my life, on my path, in who I truly am.
I still continue to do self-work: meditate on sleepless nights, breathing activities throughout the day, my mantras when I need to be grounded and I pray a lot throughout the day, as well as get energy work done on myself. I use all my tools to keep me going. I’m ready to start sharing all my new skills and tools with others now. I feel like a new light has turned on for me. I’m ready to do my work, and to journey with others. I’m set. I’m ready to own my gifts and share them like I was meant to do. I’m ready to meet the people I’m supposed to and honor their path of life. Looking forward to meeting new people and continue to grow along this road of life.
With light and love,
Live, Laugh, Love